I am a dull man by every measure. I don't have interesting hobbies, I am not an influencer, I don't post interesting posts on social media and I don't travel a lot, I don't do extreme things, I barely have any money at the moment, I bore others, in fact when I try to amuse my colleagues or the opposite sex, my jokes regularly fall flat and even my voice is dull I believe.
But after my kids were born I noticed something: my kids loved my voice, they listened to every sentence I made, they laughed at my quirky jokes I made and they loved when I sang to them or I brought them to the park or to the nursery and when I sat them on my neck. My wife took all that from me though, so now I need to fight to get my kids back.
But the moral of the story is: dullness is a matter of perspective. Even if you think you are dull, chances are you are not. It's just the world such a place now that the bar is raised too high that most ordinary people can't cross even by jumping over the moon.
So I don't care any more what others think of me. I came to accept my dullness and embraced it. If it bores others, I don't care.
> But after my kids were born I noticed something: my kids loved my voice, they listened to every sentence I made, they laughed at my quirky jokes I made and they loved when I sang to them or I brought them to the park or to the nursery and when I sat them on my neck. My wife took all that from me though, so now I need to fight to get my kids back.
You call yourself dull, but this short comment revealed the opposite picture. Kids are a lot more authentic than adults. Clearly they found a lot to enjoy about you.
> My wife took all that from me though, so now I need to fight to get my kids back.
There's an intense amount of suffering and courage in this statement which you tried to present in such a deadpan, flippant way.
> So I don't care any more what others think of me. I came to accept my dullness and embraced it. If it bores others, I don't care.
That's good, but I don't think you're actually dull or boring. Someone put that in your head and you accepted it.
he managed to find a spouse interested enough to marry him. That's already 10 steps above many internet dwellers as of late. People who want to seem "not dull" for that exact goal.
I also did read the piece and recognize this "Dull man's club" is anything but. It's simply a tongue and cheek name for niche hobbies. I'm sure the hackers of the 80's/90's would have fit right in.
We sadly became more dull overtime in comparison as our hobbies all converged into the same few things. And even those few things could be interesting, but hobbies became so shallow. we watch TV but often don't analyze and critque it. We eat food but don't truly taste and savor its flavor. Being "dull" in my eyes means not truly interacting nor resonating with the things you do in your life.
"someone" we all know who but everyone is afraid to say it
If he doesn't feel comfortable to name his abuser, I won't step forward to do it. It's his tale to tell.
Much of that comes with age. I guess if you are a vampire or some sorta immortal, after a while you will also don't care what others think of you.
> I don't have interesting hobbies, I am not an influencer, I don't post interesting posts on social media and I don't travel a lot, I don't do extreme things, I barely have any money at the moment, I bore others, in fact when I try to amuse my colleagues or the opposite sex, my jokes regularly fall flat and even my voice is dull I believe.
That's everyday life for the vast majority of people, we got tricked by smoke and mirrors on social media into thinking life has to be something it isn't, most of what you see there is fake in part or in whole. People should just enjoy what they have/are instead of burning out running after made up things other people pretend to be doing to be happy
What's funny is when you actually know people who are influencers, it turns out their lives actually are nothing like what it is online! I think we are all a lot more dull than some would like to admit.
Isn't that what is so toxic about social media? You end up comparing your real life to the curated, best-possible-angle lives of your friends and (subjectively) famous people online.
You consume the condensed moments from hours and days of time from other people's experiences in real time in your own life- you can see cute pets, exotic pets, funny moments, beautiful people all in a minute or five of boring, slow-ass real-time.
I think their lives look extremely dull online too. Prisoners of the most mediocre algorithms
You're both right. Being an influencer seems like the worst possible choice: all of the life-deranging detriments of fame without and of the prestige or wealth.
> other people pretend to be doing
Not everyone works or thinks the same. Some goals and passions come from within, and for some people these can be the very reason for living.
One infinitesimal, geologically small moment where the universe is awake and alive and available for you. The world is an infinite blank canvas, and it's full of adventure.
Some people exist to do, build, or explore with their short time. Life is full of energy and opportunity to do so.
Some of these people would find the "traditional life" inescapably boring.
Sure, but these people are actually "doing, building, exploring", not terminally online trying to sell you their lifestyle to make money from advertising and partnerships.
For every genuine passioned "influencer" you have 100 000 wannabes trying to scam you one way or another. And let's be generous, even if every single one of them was 100% genuine and well intentioned, that's still just a drop in the bucket, the extreme vast majority of people would fit in the "dull" category, and it's perfectly fine
I think this story sounds familiar to a lot of us, especially as men who likely spend less time on social media comparing and FOMOing. Let's hope you get your kids back too and somebody new will get enchanted by your "boring" voice.
At some point your kids will also be grown up and able to make their own choices.
In the meantime, get a dog. They thrive in dull consistency and will love you for it. They will happily walk the same path each day and just sleep at your feet while you do what you need to do.
This comment reminds me of my own socially anxious belief that I am boring, that people don't want to hear what I have to say, etc. And I have had plenty of evidence to reinforce those beliefs. As I have been working through things in therapy though, I have realized that my wounded mind grabs on to those things that reinforce that negative belief and tends to be dismissive of things that would contradict it. I've also realized that because I have those fears/wounds I often interact with people in ways that are more likely to elicit disinterested responses - I often have a flat affect and emote little, display no enthusiasm when communicating about things that I care about because I expect that the other person won't be interested or care. I wouldn't be surprised if I subconsciously have chosen friends who re-inforce those beliefs as well, I think I sometimes feel uncomfortable when people do respond enthusiastically toward me.
Some of my early experiences as an adult that broke my heart open a little were also with children - I don't have any of my own, but when my nephew and niece were young they were so open and enthusiastic and happy to see me it got past my wounded defense mechanisms.
That's maybe one of the biggest helping things. Having the right audience and even if it is only one or two people (or kids). This can make a lot of difference.
> display no enthusiasm when communicating about things that I care about because I expect that the other person won't be interested or care
This resonates a lot, and especially in "our community" of tech enthusiasts. I don't display enthusiasm about electronics, pcb design and assembly, with non nerdy people because I don't expect any form of interest (which is compounded by the assumption the person won't understand a word about it).
It got especially reinforced of late as I made a foray in woodworking to build myself a bookshelf from scratch with a custom design. There is something about non-tech hobbies that anyone can relate to (everyone was stoked by said bookshelf) that makes it easier to share. Even the layperson can grasp the design challenges faced in such hobbies, including nerdy but non tech ones (warhammer figurine painting is the first that comes to mind). OTOH when I show a custom-made PCB to someone, I just get a "ok cool".
> I wouldn't be surprised if I subconsciously have chosen friends who re-inforce those beliefs as well
There is also a strong tendency to vary friend groups and "get out of your bubble" if you think you're boring, to get "non-boring" people around you. Which can be healthy but highly frustrating, because you don't get to share stuff with them.
I can't wait to get children to share those interests with them.
Sort of reminds me of "The Last Lecture" on cliches.
Here's a summary:
Cliches work because they’re typically right on the money. Plus, kids don’t know most of them, so educators should use them. They’re a new audience and they’re inspired by cliches.
Removal of the no fault divorce law can’t come fast enough.
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I have no idea if this stat is remotely true, but the PSA still works:
men need to contribute around the house and not take their wife for granted.
You know a sentence is gonna be sexist when it starts "fellas"
from the guy named fellatio T_T
Instead of the sexist rhetoric, consider that people are complex. One can have outstanding qualities and great success in one facet of life, and be absolute garbage in others. So far, we have discovered no infallible signs or metrics that determine a person, and over time, they are subject to change as well.
What a fun comment, surely the person who commented this isn’t in some way resentful towards women.
It's weird the guy going through the divorce seemed to deliberately avoid casting aspersions, but the parent commenter had to throw in his two cents anyways.
> But after my kids were born I noticed something: my kids loved my voice, they listened to every sentence I made, they laughed at my quirky jokes I made and they loved when I sang to them or I brought them to the park or to the nursery and when I sat them on my neck. My wife took all that from me though, so now I need to fight to get my kids back.
> But the moral of the story is: dullness is a matter of perspective.
Meh. Kids (or dogs) don't know better, they are just little love machines with literally 0 knowledge outside of you. That doesn't mean that dullness is a perspective, or they wouldn't benefit from it if you were just smarter, better, more interesting.
Isn't that the whole point though – nobody wants to or has to live in a void. Maybe children would prefer different parents, and maybe parents would want different children. That's not how that works. You keep them alive, love them, and give them enough tools and knowledge for them to have a fighting chance on their own.
I think the point of the OP was to say that you don't need to be the best thing since sliced bread to get some basic love and companionship, which is the message modern dating and social media are sending to a lot of us.
You are enough, even if somebody in all resentfulness wants to have you believe otherwise.
Maybe, but you forgot to write what's the benefit...?!
I obviously don't know anything about you beyond this comment but you chose to include a mention of your divorce, so I think it's not overstepping to try to connect these themes. To be blunt, could it be that being less dull would have improved the longevity of the marriage?
> in fact when I try to amuse my colleagues or the opposite sex, my jokes regularly fall flat
Even the dullest of innocent jokes, delivered horribly, can get a chuckle in decent company. "Falls flat" means the "jokes" are inappropriate, mean, gross, *ist, etc. The phrase "colleagues or the opposite sex" is a tell.
You know nothing about this man. Please don't judge them based on a casual comment in a forum. That's cruel.
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Are you trying to imply that you know this person? That your assessment is informed by direct experience of interactions with them in the settings he describes?
If not then the null hypothesis should in fact be that your assessment is anything but accurate.
What the hell is this comment?