Such amazing writing. Vulnerable, raw, and sincere.
I am sad, but not just for the mother, also for the daughters. And not just because they longed for their mother’s love that never arrived, but they found themselves in this artificial moral system that forces them to account for who deserves what, and justifies the anger they now have to live with. As if the anger is a gain, rather than a burden.
Not sure if this is a coping mechanism, and even if it is, it appears to be a maladaptive one, but this moral accounting, the idea of one deserving and the other one not deserving, with an arbitrary starting point is pure delusion, and not even a helpful one.
People were forced from their home - a home their ancestors likely stole from someone else, going back ad infinitum - yet this made them the person they are. Or they were the one who stole it, and their descendants believe they deserved it. They might even say “they worked hard for it.”
It would be consistent if this was in a moral system where forceful taking wasn’t considered immoral. But it’s not. It was moral when my ancestors stole, but immoral if you want what I inherited. Such cognitive dissonance, motivated by, not really a desire to survive most of the time, but to experience luxury. Even if you were to win, it seems misguided and a waste of a life as far as we know we all get one chance to live right or well - whichever you’d consider not wasted.
My grandfather owned a sizable amount of land at a time when land was the primary means of production. Sizable is relative, but I’ve seen those who worked on the land, without owning any of it. They seem to have been grateful and happy, and the next generation appears to be thankful to my dad’s family. Does that change the fact that my grandfather or his ancestors obviously didn’t create that land out of thin air with amazing work ethic? They took it from someone. And I benefitted from it enormously.
Who deserves what, and who worked hard… nonsensical talk.
We should all believe that working hard will yield a better life for us. I believe believing that is important. But thinking that it’s real and allowing it to shape our morality seems outright immoral.
I wish her peace. And hope she discovers it’s a much better live with forgiveness and generosity, and no regard for who deserves what. It was thieves and thievery all along, and it still is.
I should reread Tao of Pooh.
What a wise reflection. The Tao of Pooh has left my hands seconds ago. The 1983 paperback first edition, with yellow pages than smell of sweet old paper. Thank you for reminding me of that gem.
The thing with loss and emotional maturing is that it is a long and painful process. To try to answer the question "Should a medical diagnosis reshape the past?":
Yes, for all the love you have. Let it. Even if it's false. Narratives that help you find peace and understanding are what you need. Think deeply on that the position of the father /might/ be right, but even false can be a wise position. It is so unlikely that a mother held her child and not loved the child fully and with the intention to raise it right. Circumstances (medical, life, ...) can get in the way. But hold on to that intention.