It's essentially impossible not to be hacked isn't it?

When so much money is at stake (almost) everyone will have a price including insiders.

If you're concerned you can literally print your crypto keys onto a piece of paper. Maybe encrypted with a passphrase. It might get stolen or lost but it's not getting hacked.

P.S. If you're really paranoid don't use a network-connected printer.

how are you gonna use your paper keys when you want to spend some of your bitcoin? the private key has to touch a computer at some point.

you'd typically sign on an offline, airgapped computer

You could treat them like bearer bonds. Split your holdings over multiple (like tens) of addresses. Sell individual addresses for cash. You'd need to do this via a trusted intermediary who could accept the cash and verify the address before making the exchange.

And yes, this is somewhat absurd. But so are online transactions that can be hacked with no backsies.

Security through decentralization, if there is such a term.

I'm not concerned because I have zero crypto because I would hate to be worried about being hacked to have it stolen.

I keep my money with traditional boring financial institutions instead of tech startup clowns so it's been very easy not to get hacked.

Yeah apparently it's news in 2026 that banks can actually keep their assets secure in comparison to the web3 clown fiesta. Of course banks do get compromised but not anywhere close to this degree.