To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest.
Now I’ll focus on practical advise:
- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.
- besides gym pick an active “hobby”. Cycling, rollerblading, running, skiing, surfing etc. You need self-supporting way to spend time outdoors. Again: do seek instruction.
- learn to play music. It is very healing and rewarding. Also frustrating and hard. Guess what? Take classes. Joining (community) school is great. Getting into local band is amazing. Most importantly here: you do not need to talk to these people. Same goes for drawing studio.
- professional education. Maybe you always wanted to be CPA?
- deep and challenging activities: sailing, diving, flying, mountaineering etc
- checklist reading, movie watching
- study textbooks
- systematic traveling
- volunteer
- build things with your hands and give them away
- learn to recognize your emotional state and how it changes.
My “qualifications”: I was single for ~10+10 years.
- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.
Do you people even go to the gym at all?
You need time to recover. Between 3 to 5 days is the most you can humanly do. And that's if you vary your exercises as suggested by a (good) personal trainer. Any more than that and you're just asking for overtraining syndrome. Doubly so if you're nearly 40.
Edit: after seeing the replies here the answer is obviously not. Don't take advice from internet strangers if you don't want to hurt yourselves kids.
I was wondering the same thing. It already takes a very high level of motivation and self discipline to go 3 times a week, going every day requires superhuman levels to so consistently.
This doesn't take into account that your body requires rest, and I don't know how op thinks you can combine this with an active sport like skiing, or something creative like music. You will be drained already from the gym.
Splits and light days. Parent wasn't suggesting every day be full body max.
My retro fitness is always crowded. I go 7 days a week. 40 minute jog. No lifting. It's nice seeing and saying hi to the same people their everyday.
I personally go 3x for gym classes like "healthy spine", "mobility", "core" etc. and then 2-3x hard training. But I would say I am very active recently.
Do I feel better? Yes. Was it hard first 2 weeks? Yes, I had even to resort to painkillers.
I think the best for people who sit a lot are core, mobility and back exercises. Huge motivation for me when I finally started prioritizing back on machines and progressed on all other things and finally look like I go to gym :)
Going to a gym doesn't mean doing only one type of exercise, you can do yoga or cardio in the gym as a form of recovery if you mainly train for resistance for example
I like to alternate yoga and traditional gym days. The yoga is still hard work but has more restorative qualities, and often complements my gym work rather well. That said, I still take one or two rest days a week. Being in your thirties comes with some physical boundaries you'd do well to respect.
that's strength training. you have cardio, mobility, skill and so on available.
Martial arts usually have physical and technique days alternated, same goes for bouldering, and I imagine many other forms of exercise.
I used to ride a bike for 40 minutes twice a day 5 days a week on the commute, and then ride longer most Saturdays and Sundays
A daily 40 minutes on an exercise bike, rowing machine, or treadmill doesn't seem excessive.
> Don't take advice from internet strangers
Incredible irony here and exactly what I was thinking as I read your comment. Get them internet points, kid!
> But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person.
Strong disagree. It's a different kind of hard. People can handle hard. Running a marathon is hard but a million do so every year for no reason other than maybe it's hard.
The difference between taking care of kids and having a family is that it's meaningful and to most deeply satisfying. Sure there are some people that don't get any satisfaction, but I think it's fair to say that it's not the typical experience across every Western culture.
Let's stop pretending everything is morally equivalent. "I'm raising an autistic child to be a functional member of society", "oh that's nothing! I just mad Diamond II with 61% win rate over 200 games in League!"
I don't know what "being with the wrong person" means. There is no "right" or "wrong" person as the world doesn't revolve around you. If you're actually in an abusive relationship, you should get out obviously. But what's the alternative? Drifting. Emptiness. No purpose or companionship. Spending the rest of your lives with pets asking for life hacks on how to manage boredom. Video games, netflix, personal indulgence and self gratification, medication.
This is going to be weirdly controversial on this forum but is advice I would give to my children: most people should aim to do what we've been biologically evolved to do, namely find companionship and love w/ someone and raise a family. If you're an outlier and you have a shot of sending someone to Mars, sure, go all in on that, but for nearly everyone else, this is your best chance for a fulfilling meaningful life.
Great advice, but don't treat it as a checklist. If you like to go to the gym, do it. If not don't do it, leave alone every day.
Your focus should not be in improving yourself and being the best you can be. It's about getting to know yourself better.
What is it that you enjoy. And if you don't know, now's the time to find out. Maybe it's going to the gym, maybe it's finding a great breakfast place. Sitting there, having breakfast, being around other people.
Finding activities that you enjoy doing outdoors, bonus points.
You've already done the first step in asking for advice. Even though it might sound neglectible, that's a great achievement. So many people suffer from depression and have a hard time to take this first step. Congratulations!
Get out there try things, learn who you are. Maybe there's this thing that you always wanted to do places you always wanted to see. Now is the best time to do it. And if there's no such thing, you've been given a great list of things to try.
Best luck to you in this new phase of life!
+1 for physical exercise. Curious though why you (or anybody else) would separate running and/or cycling from the gym? Gym gets its own (emphatic!) category and the sports are separate. Not a criticism, genuinely curious.
Being outdoors is a big differentiator for me. I find (uv) light exposure to noticeably improve my self being. Also I can’t stay productively in the gym for 3 hours, but I can easily cycle.
Same. I loathe gyms, actually. Perhaps Ive been absent for too long to have an honest loathing, I've no attraction to them though (I don't begrudge anybody who likes them or uses them though - easy to see their value).
A bicycle, on the other hand... a thing of beauty.
Gym is important to set a body routine and get it used to “flush” emotions out with sweat. Daily exercise when in vulnerable state is non-negotiable imo (but hard). Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first.
> Not everyone can afford to bike every day. Hence why I recommend gym first.
Err....
Are we talking about affording in time? Because from where I'm sitting once you have a bike it's free, where gyms need an ongoing subscription.
Plus if someone (like OP) works from home, getting on their bike is likely easier and lower-friction.
> Are we talking about affording in time?
Mostly weather. There are very few locations where “bike every day” is a reasonable statement. Consistency is key.
If the people in the Netherlands can do it - where it's flat, windy, and rainy most of the time - then most people in the US can also do it. If it's too hot, go in the mornings.
That’s a matter of clothing and determination IMHO :)
But sure, I get it. Personally I can’t keep up gym habits because the boredom is just overwhelming. I find other forms of exercise easier to stick at. Each to their own.
There are many kinds of gyms and I’m sure you’d like some. But since we’re talking loneliness here I’d particularly recommend to check out (and hang for a while):
- bouldering gyms - circus - bodybuilding gyms - dancing studio - aikido/wrestling - boxing
If your idea of gym is 24Fitness, then yeah, it is very boring.
Aside from the pragmatic reasons, I think it's a good idea to separate out cardio, muscle-building, and flexibility into its own separate categories, and ensure you consistently dabble in each. Obviously there can be are overlaps, but this taxonomy ensures a good balance.
gym everyday: I found great success with Pilates. It's usually me + 2-3 other people and the instructor. There's chatting during the session after you become regular. You get to have some social life while exercising. It also helps tremendously with posture, specially for someone who spends all his day in a chair.
It's still hard to do sometimes, like in stronger depressive episodes. But it's way easier than gym at least for me.
Does "single for ~10+10 years" mean 20 years, or that you were single before you were 10 and then till age 20?
I was single for 10 years after college. Then married for 7 (very very badly). Then single for another 10. I thought I will spend the rest of my days alone. I have two kids now.
Thanks for sharing. I am somewhat in the same boat as OP so this is really helpful!
what does systematic travelling mean?
Visit every EU capital. Or every national park. Or every bookstore in 100km radius. Just some arbitrary traveling goal that will get you out of the house every month or two.