I get it that this is satire, and that they're giving DB a hard time about their constant delays -- but on the other hand there's EU Regulation 261/2004 for compensation for delayed flights. I just found out about EU Regulation 2021/782 on delayed trains, but basically it's not "a thing"?
There is compensation for delayed DB trains, but it might not be what you hope for :D
60 min delay: 25% (or 100% if you abort your travel) 120 min delay: 50% Furthermore, your ticket is usually unlocked for all trains in case of delay, not just the one you booked. So you can find alternatives and maybe even upgrade (you won't have a seat reservation though).
There's also up to 120€ for overnight-stay or other forms of transportation in select cases (when you won't be able to reach your destination before some time)