It requires some practice to pull this off correctly. I have met quite some people who followed the instructions but it felt very scripted. And often it’s clear that they have ulterior motives and just use this as a tool.
It requires some practice to pull this off correctly. I have met quite some people who followed the instructions but it felt very scripted. And often it’s clear that they have ulterior motives and just use this as a tool.
Yeah, even in those examples it sounds contrived. Way too much "it sounds like you're feeling xyz" and "am I right?"
If someone used that conversation template with me I'd wouldn't interpret it as an authentic discussion. At best I'd think it was therapy speak or they'd read some self-help "how to influence people" book.
Like any tool though, knowing when and how to use it is the way to get the most out of it.
The idea is to say more or less the same thing in your own words.
"It sounds like you're feeling fed up" --> "Fed up?"
Eventually you develop your own conversational template that is authentic and effective.
author here. Agree 100% - the idea of the examples is to get you to try out the technique. When we teach active listening, we start with “it sounds like” or “I’m hearing that” and the instruction to check that you got it right. As you get the hang of it, you don’t have to use these guard rails any more.
But really the difficult part for most people is the listening itself. Actually getting your head around what is going on for someone else.
A new joiner colleague from another team tried this with me. The script was followed in such a clunky manner I started to wonder if that team had unwittingly hired someone with learning difficulties. Whatever the situation, they didn't benefit because they made a number of poor decisions on the back of the conversation, but I shouldn't write the technique off due to one poor adherent.
If you can accurately paraphrase someone’s point/argument/viewpoint/feelings then that’s evidence that you’ve understood what they’re saying. Or at least, if you can’t, it’s evidence that you should ask more questions. It’s a check against confidently misinterpreting things.
I had a few sessions on it decades back as part of a conflict resolution course.
I don't think I've ever applied it as described in the article or those sessions, but there were a few things from then that I've found to improve how I engage with people (when I remember).
- ask questions regularly
- make sure your questions are open-ended and can't be answered with a yes/no
- avoid saying stuff like "you are like this" or "this is like that". It's safer to say things, particularly difficult things, from one's own perspective, e.g. "I think that".