Our stove insists it can't implement several advertised features unless we let it at our wifi and "enable" the features. Fukdat, a stove does not need to be a network citizen, it needs to bake cookies. For me.

Then again, maybe I could hack it to host a Mastodon instance or run Doom.

Doom might be dangerous, though.

Could you provide the make/model so we can avoid this monstrosity?

I'm now imagining a Doom mod where instead of fighting the hordes of Hell you get to do battle with the gunk that's baked onto the bottom of the oven.

like what features?