This is absolute gold!

> “Making processors faster is increasingly difficult,” John thought, “but maybe people won’t notice if I give them more processors.” This, of course, was a variant of the notorious Zubotov Gambit, named after the Soviet-era car manufacturer who abandoned its attempts to make its cars not explode, and instead offered customers two Zubotovs for the price of one, under the assumption that having two occasionally combustible items will distract you from the fact that both items are still occasionally combustible.

> Formerly the life of the party, John now resembled the scraggly, one-eyed wizard in a fantasy novel who constantly warns the protagonist about the variety of things that can lead to monocular bescragglement.

And in 2013 the below would have been correct, but we live in a very different world now:

> John’s massive parallelism strategy assumed that lay people use their computers to simulate hurricanes, decode monkey genomes, and otherwise multiply vast, unfathomably dimensioned matrices in a desperate attempt to unlock eigenvectors whose desolate grandeur could only be imagined by Edgar Allen Poe. Of course, lay people do not actually spend their time trying to invert massive hash values while rendering nine copies of the Avatar planet in 1080p.

He wasn't too far off about the monkeys, though...