So sorry for the delayed reply. I had to hit several O'Reilly stores to find someone who had any idea what I was looking for. I finally found one with a college-looking kid behind the counter instead of all those old farts like me and after I explained what I wanted he knew just which aisle it was on.

Turns out that an electron funnel isn't a fancy new tool. Instead, I already have several of them in my shop but just didn't make the connection. It became clear though when he handed me the plastic funnel after rubbing it through his hair vigorously for a few seconds and I got shocked by the crackling electrons streaming from the funnel to my fingers.

If this power thing ever happens to my battery again I'm just gonna get the big funnel from the set, rub it through the remnants of my hair and pour some electrons at it till it charges enough to start the engine.

Thanks for this suggestion about a new way to use an old tool.